TO BE dead honest, the last time I wore a temporary tattoo, I'm pretty sure I had to put a quarter into a machine for it first. And then had to open the plastic bubble in which it came, before extracting the generic heart/smiley face/shamrock... There's a very good chance I hadn't even hit double digits in life when I last donned one.

However, one of the world's most expert and consumate luxury brands has, in an ironic move, launched a set of temporary tattoos... all over the blogosphere, in the magazines and launched at Selfridges last friday, Les Trompe-L'oeil de CHANEL arrived on my doorstep two weeks ago but rather than write them up immediately, I've been ruminating on what do to with them, exactly.

Yes, I hear those eyes rolling in their sockets... I know I'm supposed to put them on my skin, thank you. But, I don't know... wearing them conventionally just didn't seem right. I acknowledge there are two camps in this revival of the temporary tattoo (love and hate) and two as well in the issue of actually turning yourself into a walking advert for a brand (pro and anti) but let's talk about what to do with them if you have them.

Wearing them on the wrist, I thought, wouldn't ever look all that cool, you see. It's obvious they're temporary tatts when worn somewhere so visible. On the collarbone of a regular person (read: size 10UK/6US and up) they just look dwarfed – like outfit litter – rather than majestic sweeping chains upheld by birds on the delicate (from early on-set osteoperosis, perhaps?) and miniature frames of the catwalk models. And back of the knee is simply a no-go for those who don't work in fashion OR those of us who live outside of New York, London, Paris or Milan.

So, what to do. How does a layperson get away with a temporary tattoo without it looking like a low brow, chavtastic hot mess?

My suggestion? Go softly, softly. By that I mean, be subtle. Pair a Trompe-L'oeil with a delicate pair of shoes you have (flats or heels) that give the tiniest hint of toe cleavage (like the picture below). I prefer my black Via Spiga ballet flats. An inconspicuous way to wear your fashion on your foot (which can be soooo sexy) rather than your sleeve or – god forbid – on the side of your sunglasses.

Wearing them behind the knee? Then pair with sheer black tights. You'll look as lovely at Catherine Denevue in The Last Metro and you can get away with it at work. 

If you simply must do it on the collarbone, do it lower down the chest and layer layer layer the necklaces on top.

With a mate handy, you could do a discreet little something at the nap of your neck if you're sporting a simple up-do and simple, elegant clothing.

The places I would strongly advise you NOT to wear these are: wrist, around the ankle, on or around the neck (like a choker), as a tramp stamp (ew), inner thigh or upper pubic region. And I'm not even going to explain why you shouldn't wear them there, because it's obvious. And if it's not obvious to you, then just stay away from this micro-trend, full stop. Sorry, but a girl's got to be honest.

Good luck with your new body art.

BUY LES TROMPE-L'OEIL DE CHANEL