BEAUTY OP-ED | The new beauty fictionary

WE HAVE the pithy British press to thank for many of these terms. Never short of a neologism to describe some new, hideous beauty habit or trend, they’ve introduced such gems at Trout Pout and 1661 over the years. In fact, Sunday Times Style used to publish a column named the latter some years ago (remember Christa D'Souza?!), so ahead of their time they are with all things aesthetic. Some of our entries in the beauty fictionary below are real (often hoisted from said inky pages of a Brit rag). Others, however, we just really wish would fall into common usage. Don't you? See if you can figure out which is which:

The New Beauty Fictionary

Fauxtox

A term used for products that are supposed to mimic the wrinkle-banishing effect of Botox, as in fake Botox. No such thing exists (the Botox molecule is too big to penetrate the skin's surface.)

Trout Pout

Lip injections or inserts that make you look like a trout -- and patently ridiculous (Katie Price, Sarah Harding, Brittany Murphy, Meg Ryan, Goldie Hawn, Jessica Simpson, nearly all WAGs, Jodie Marsh, Lindsay Blo-han, Brit Brit, Leslie Ash, Megan Fox... more people (you too Pete Burns) than I could ever think to list in a single blog post. 

Hangry

So hungry you end up getting angry (Geddit? Hungry + angry = hangry). Not a desirable state but one in which many modern women perpetually live.

Pillow Face

Also know as The New New Face. It’s the modern era’s answer to the face lift. Actresses, models, women with too much money plump cheeks, under eyes, lips, etc. to mimic the fuller face more common in one’s youth. Madonna et al.

1661

When a woman looks like she’s 16 from behind and 61 from the front. Highly confusing for randy teenage boys and creepy, old model chasers alike.

Pulling a Wildenstein

Having your face butchered so badly by plastic surgery/cosmetic injections you no longer resemble yourself... or any human being, for that matter. Hard to look at, like a solar eclipse.

Bingo Wings

The fleshy backside of the arm that waves, like a wing, when old ladies raise an arms and yell ‘BINGO’ in the bingo hall on a Friday night. Not the preserve of nans, bingo wing can be seen on any number of women/girls and increasingly men with un-toned arms.

A Monet

Someone who looks good at a distance and a mess up close.

Duckface

The act of pursing one’s lips into a wannabe pout (duck bill) for photos because one believes it looks sexy. A visual blight on social networking sites. Definitively un-sexy.

Tango-ed

Being so fake tan that one looks orange, the color of Tango. Seemingly the default complexion colour of choice for far too many. Often paired with Duckface (see above) and a multitude of other beauty sins.

Bolt-ons

Bad breast implants that look as if they’ve been bolted onto one’s chest, like a flesh-toned coconut bra. A staple among all the Real Houswives and other reality TV stars. Common among WAGs and emaciated models too. 

Taxi Shoes

Heels so vertiginous they cause near paralysis when worn. The goal is to take as few steps as possible, usually from taxi door to table and back. Like Chinese foot bondage for the WAG set.

Glam-by-osmosis

A wo/man who thinks (falsely) that by hanging out with more fashionable, attractive, well-connected people s/he is, by osmosis, the same. Often named in paparazzi shots as 'friend' if at all. Markedly frumpier than those to which s/he clings.

Bunny Lines

When someone (like one famous flame-haired Aussie who swears she's never *cough, cough* had anything done) has so much Botox that the only expression lines their faces can form are on the sides of the nose, resembling bunny whiskers. Often paired with strained neck muscles when attempting a smile. It often looks like they're making a cutesy nose-scrunchy face. That is just them trying to smile in earnest without the muscles to do it. 

Frozen Face

The side effect of too much Botox, often seen with the above-mentioned Bunny Lines and results in a large, flat, shiny plane between frozen brows (see Kim Cattrall).

Bait-and-switch

In Hollywood, doing something radically different -- usually with hair colour or cut -- to distract from some sort of nip-and-tuck, injection, etc. that’s been done. See Sandra Bullock + bangs, Natalie Portman + shaved head, etc.

Spanx

The universal term (and brand name) for all girdle-style undergarments that suck in everything from legs to bum, tummy and even bingo wings. Hard to pee while wearing them and have the dual purpose of making overeating impossible and sucking in your already-empty stomach (or other wobbly bit) for maximum smoothness. [editor's note: I will live in these post-childbirth if I ever have kids, at least for the first six months.]

Plastic Fantastic

Someone who’s now more plastic than real. They often look okay, until you compare their Plastic Fantastic person to an image of the original. Think Kardashians (all), Kate Beckinsale, Liz Hurley, Megan Fox, Pamela Anderson et al.

Turkey Neck

When your neck skin starts to sag and wrinkle, like the waddle on a turkey.

Pulling a Brittany

Going crazy.

Extension Fatigue

When you chop off your hair because your perma-extensions are causing it to fall out. Often done under the ruse of becoming fashion forward/edgy. See Carey Mulligan, Brit Brit et al.

Detox Ditz

Girls who are so out-of-it because they’re detoxing or juice fasting so much that their brains don't function.

Cankles

Thick ankles that look as if your calves meet your feet without any ankle first. Very noticable when wearing flats.

Lollipop Head

When one's body is so emaciated their head that it actually looks like a big, round lollipop atop a stick.

Tweener

A term popularized by recent flop Hall Pass. It's when a girl/guy of average or below average appearance surrounds herself/himself by even less attractive people to appear hot thanks the company between (that's the key word) which s/he has sandwiched herself/himself.

Mips

Man hips, as in womanly, child-bearing hips on a man. Much more frequently seen nowadays. Not always seen with Moobs (man boobs), but when the latter happens, the former is usually present as well. These dudes should see the above entry for Spanx and look into a Bro (man bra).

Add your own terms in the comments section if you fancy it!

Originally published by Jessica Teas at the brilliant LOOKING GOOD, NO MATTER WHAT. It's a cracking read by a bevvy of international beauty writers (moi included), so check it out!