BEAUTY OP-ED | Forget the beach body, embrace sanity

PERSONALLY, I say buck the trend, save the money and instead use it to pay for that beach holiday you otherwise might not have the money to take. Forget about getting tan, getting slim, getting ‘glowy’, getting blemish free, getting sun-kissed highlights in the wee morning hours before work and the few precious free ones you have after. In fact, if there’s anything I’ve learned from my seaside sojourns over the years, it’s that you achieve that look more readily going to the beach, not getting to it. And your sun-kissed highlights from swimming in the sea are free.

So are the honed thighs.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY GETTING BEACH-BODY READY IS NONSENSE:

1. Because you already have a body. And it’s ready for the beach NOW.
2. Who the hell wants to spend the summer swathed in radioactive orange tan (at least among the white-skinned folks out there)?
3. You’ll waste bucket loads of money you could otherwise spend on taking an actual beach holiday.
4. It’s as good as yo-yo dieting for your body. Meaning, it’s bad.
5. Even if you religiously follow the magazine’s instructions on how to get beach-body ready, you won’t look like the lady on the cover.
6. Because 90 year-old ladies in Croatia hit the beach every day – in bikinis – without spending months obsessing over how they’re going to look. If they can do it, so can you.
7. If all you can think about is how people think you look in a bikini, you’ll be miserable.
8. Highlights and salt water do not mix. Same goes with fake tan, makeup (even waterproof mascara) and body cosmetics (hey, even I wear a bit of leg makeup when I’m wearing tiny shorts).
9. At the end of the day, all that matters when you’re on the beach is that you’re not at work.
10. Cellulite is genetic (despite what some misguided beauty journalists will say). Sorry. If it bothers you, wear a cover-up. Nothing (no product, no treatment... no matter what the marketeers say) you do in the lead up to summer will ‘banish’ it from your body, so to speak.

Read the full article on LOOKING GOOD NO MATTER WHAT...

BEAUTY OP-ED | Why revenge hot is a myth!

YOUR WEEPY weekend (a very long weekend) of mourning over that bastard breaking it off with you is coming to its natural end – Monday. Lest you want to lose your job, it's time to take off the sweats, put down the pint of ice cream and move on, right? Suddenly a wave of empowerment washes over you as you sit bolt upright, tissues, crumbs and cat falling off your sorry lap. “You know what?” you think “F**k him. Yeah... I'll show that good-for-nothing bastard what he's missing out on”.

With iron-clad resolve you get off the couch and into the gym, you shower again, you even change your clothes and start bothering with the details, like wearing knickers. Hair appointments are booked (after all, if there's anything we learned from Gwynie in Sliding Doors it's that you need to wash that man (and old colour) right out of your hair), food denied, heels and makeup worn at all times. What? You can risk bumping into him looking like a pathetic shell of a slightly puffy woman. Or so you think.

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5 WAYS TO | Barre workouts

1. THE DAILEY METHOD | Just a few years old, this barre class combines the best of Pilates, ballet and yoga. It's all about the C curve (pulling your belly button into your spine and contracting those core muscles) and tiny movements for maximum impact... this hour-long class that will have your muscles quivering and heart pounding.
2. BAR METHOD | Great for posture, crazy strong muscles and a rather good aerobic workout. Isolated movements make you use both big and little muscle groups to do the work rather than letting momentum take charge. Similar to The Dailey Method.
3. EXHALE | Part spa and part workout studio, Exhale is a swanky address where you can do hip thrusts and plies on your tip-toes until you can barely walk. Take yoga and core classes before a round of acupuncture... it's a one-stop wellness shop. Exhale has fabulous fitness DVDs too.
4. PURE BARRE | More isometric goodness for the fastest muscle building this side of the river Nile... more ballet barre, stretching, contracting and laser focus to give your body an incredibly workout and to give your mind a meditative respite. Also offer fitness DVDs.
5. LOTTE BERK METHOD | This is the daddy (more like momma) of barre method workouts. Started half a century ago in no other than fair London, the late German-born Lotte Berk whipped countless generations of women into pristine shape with the help of her iron will and riding crop. With original exercise names like F**king the Bidet, she was quite the exercise revolutionary. Stretch, shape, tone, increase stamina with the original method if you live near the Fulham Road If not, there are four fitness DVDs.