BEAUTY OP-ED | Why revenge hot is a myth!

YOUR WEEPY weekend (a very long weekend) of mourning over that bastard breaking it off with you is coming to its natural end – Monday. Lest you want to lose your job, it's time to take off the sweats, put down the pint of ice cream and move on, right? Suddenly a wave of empowerment washes over you as you sit bolt upright, tissues, crumbs and cat falling off your sorry lap. “You know what?” you think “F**k him. Yeah... I'll show that good-for-nothing bastard what he's missing out on”.

With iron-clad resolve you get off the couch and into the gym, you shower again, you even change your clothes and start bothering with the details, like wearing knickers. Hair appointments are booked (after all, if there's anything we learned from Gwynie in Sliding Doors it's that you need to wash that man (and old colour) right out of your hair), food denied, heels and makeup worn at all times. What, you say to your friends and their worried (slightly jealous) looks? You can't possibly risk bumping into him looking like a pathetic shell of a slightly puffy woman. Or so you think.

For as long as I can remember, women have lived with this unicorn of an idea – that, after a relationship goes sour, that they're going to get revenge hot. You know the kind? Where you decide you'll lose all that weight you put on during said relationship, finally going to get that pedicure, buy Spanx, trade in your ironic motorcycle boots for vertiginous heels... You basically decide that it's time to take care of yourself again.

Here's the thing about revenge hot. First, your Ex isn't thinking “what was I thinking when I broke up with her? I must have her back!”, he's thinking “why the f**k didn't I get that treatment? Why did she wait until after the break-up to give a f**k? Dude, not cool.”

Second, why do you wait until after the break-up to take care of yourself!? Seriously?

Third, aiming to get revenge hot isn't going to make you look like hot haunches Gisele. No, it's going to make you look like you, just a few pounds lighter and with better hair. Meaning, girls, get your expectations in check, especially the insane timelines you give yourself. Going to lose twenty pounds, grow four inches and buy an entirely new wardrobe in two weeks? Right... and I'm writing this from my yacht.

Fourth, back to point one. If he does notice you look different, like I said, it's going to be for an internal whinge about why you couldn't be arsed to do that while dating, not because he's longing for it again. But chances are he's not going to notice... at all. Because boys don't notice s**t like your highlights or the new heels you're wearing. And if your Ex does, well, then, the reason he's your Ex might run deeper than you think.

Fifth, why do we even care? Why do we need revenge and WHY DO WE NEED TO DO IT WITH OUR LOOKS? Why do we wield our appearance (and fragile self-esteem) like a blunt instrument of pain? The only way you're going to get revenge and cause pain with it is by head butting him. True story.

In conclusion, why not just always take care of yourself and drop the ridiculous idea that achieving revenge hot-dom (both impossible and irrelevant. Impossible because it's just a figment of our collective female imagination and irrelevant because he doesn't care and/or register it). Sure, a proverbial fire needs to be lit under one's ass from time to time to ignite motivation, but don't wait for a breakup and subsequent exercise-starvation-shopping frenzy.

And we wonder why guys think girls are craaaaazy.