HOW TO | NOT wear boots

Ladies, ladies, ladies...

Let's talk.

Have a seat.

Unzip those boots and let your bare calves breathe... they're a little sticky and sweat, right?

That's okay. Shhhh... no need to explain. We know, we know.

You're in that style purgatory between winter and summer know as spring.

It's not quite warm enough for summer frocks and sandals, but too warm to wear that jumper and jeans with your boots.

You're not quite comfortable going bare legged so you've decided that a bit of flesh peeking out between your mid-calf, knee-high or thigh-high boots and that floaty little number you just can't wait to wear will be a nice compromise until you can pair it with your strappy Choos.

In the fashion of Parisian women who will tell you exactly what they think of your appearance (which, though it may hurt, is a good thing as they're usually right), we called you here to tell you something.

Actually, we've brought you here for a virtual intervention of sorts.

You see, that tall-boots-and-bare-legs look you've been confidently sporting since March 21 is...


It's garish.

It's always unattractive and NEVER flattering.

It's hot and sticky.

It ruins your boots and your look.

It is, in a phrase...


And don't think we're employing hyperbole here.

We want you to understand the dire nature of the situation.

Bare legs STUFFED into boots -- no doubt, brown, black or gray -- is now unfortunately become as common a sight in spring as Daffodils.

Every year, without fail, so so so many women, particularly in Middle America, rip off their tights and more flattering clothing for nothing more than sloppy spring dresses and tall boots. Perhaps they're trying to speed up spring's arrival by getting Old Man Winter to relent. It's as if these women are holding our eyes hostage with their boots and bare legs until he gives into their warm weather demands.

But it's even worse than just bare legs and boots.

Most who adopt a positive stance on the bare legs-boots fiasco seem to always pair their calf casings with a dress made of a fabric that's entirely wrong for such a heavy boot.

I've seen a clingy jersey mini dress, parka and mid-calf (I nearly fainted), tight-as-a-drunk-on-pay-day BLACK boots with bare legs and a patchy fake tan (legs only). At 8am. On her walk to the office. Strutting because she felt amazing. While I'm all for feeling good about one's self, I am also a firm believer that such a feeling should be GROUNDED IN REALITY.

Another one of the hundreds, neigh THOUSANDS, of unfortunate boot disasters walked by me the other day, in black mini-dress, shiny mid-calf boots (we'll discuss the sin that is mid-calf boots later) and a stomp like her va-jay-jay was made of gold. This one, on the way from the office.

I have a morbid curiosity to see where, exactly, these women work that boots, bare legs and a short(ish) garment, like a cheap hooker, is acceptable as office attire. I've nearly caved to the urge (on more than one occasion) to outright ask such women what compelled them to done such an outfit that morning, or ever. Thankfully my (thin yet in tact) internal filter has caught such questions before they leave my mouth.

I've even found fashion blogs (self-proclaimed, of course, because there isn't a true fashionista or style guru in the entire world who would ever (EVER.) wear such a look) with women demonstrating their latest skirt-boots-bare legs combo, followed by comments of women saying they love it! Just goes to show you can't buy taste, can you? And it doesn't matter how many style-less ladies vehemently defend the look. They're wrong. And just following the rest of the very unflatteringly dressed herd!

Now I know that we're all entitled to our opinions but on this, bare leg and boot wearers and lovers alike, your opinion is WRONG. Unequivocally, indubitably, completely and truly wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

The bare-naked truth about bare legs and boots is:

1. Bare legs and boots NEVER looks good in real life.

2. Even a fake tan won't make your bare legs and tall boots presentable.

3. It is NEVER OKAY to wear tall boots, bare legs and a short dress/skirt to the office. You will be less respected and the only men who find it sexy are the icky type who probably wear dress shirts with decals on the back. And sympathize with the cast of Jersey Shore.

4. It is NEVER OKAY to wear shorts, tall boots and bare legs unless you're a Go-Go Dancer in hot pants, and you're, at this very moment, dancing in your place of employment.

5. You ruin your tall boots by wearing them with bare legs because you sweat in them. That too, Sherlock, should be a sign that you're doing something wrong. No item of clothing should make you sweat like a rubber suit in a sauna. 

6. You make other people uncomfortable when you wear tall boots and bare legs because a. they can't help but looking at your awkward nobbly knee (and, god forbid, thigh and upper calf) flesh on display and b. half the time they're working as hard as they can to not blurt out that you look RIDICULOUS, not listening to you.

7. Mid-calf boots. Let's discuss. Mid-calf boots are universally unflattering. Yet, because they're cheaper (less leather as they're shorter), so many women seem to buy them under the delusion that they're close enough to knee-high to wear without consequence. They, after all, hit just below the knee, right? Right? So, I mean, what's a few inches? Quite a lot, actually, when it comes to right-ness and wrong-ness of your boots.

If you own a pair of mid-calf boots, throw them out immediately. You look bad every time you wear them, bare legs or not. Don't even give them to charity. Burn them so that no one else might accidentally end up in them. Or saw off the useless section that acts as a Machiavellian girdle to so many sausage-y calves, rendering them homemade ankle boots instead. And if you can't figure out why mid-calf boots look bad on you (and you don't want to take my word (and verbal lashing) above, then think about this: mid-calf boots hit you MID-CALF -- the BIGGEST part of your lower leg, meaning all eyes will be drawn there, not the dainty ankles you have hiding beneath the car crash that is your bare legs and mid-calf boots).

8. You will feel amazing, like the whimsical, hippy-punk supermodels stomping down the catwalk and featured in all of your glossy magazine ads, when you put on your airy dress and tall, spike-heeled boots. At least that's how the women who fall victim to wearing this look seem to delusionally walk around. Please, rest assured, that unless you are an AIRBRUSHED and PHOTOSHOPPED supermodel (who is, for all intents and purposes, a human hanger for clothing, which is why clothing looks good on them), you will decidedly NOT look like a supermodel in tall boots, bare legs and your spring dress, even if you're wearing the exact same outfit as the model you saw in that GUESS/Abercrombie/J. Crew ad. 

9. All of this is not to make you feel (too) bad, but to help you understand that, in a tough love kinda way, that this look doesn't work... nope, never... it will never work. Just walk away from it. Don't ask questions. Trust us. But also trust us that...

10. You CAN look good by...

11. Simply pairing your boots and dress with tights. Seriously. Take the bare legs out of the equation and you might actually deserve to stomp around that way. We don't think you have to be a supermodel to look good.

2. Or ditch the dress until the weather's appropriate to wear it. If you simply can't wait, then wear it around the house to get it out of your system.

3. Or ditch the boots and wear dress-appropriate shoes and jacket (no parkas if you're in a tea dress). Own the look if you're going to do it. No spring on top, winter on the bottom. It's the style equivalent of the business in the front, party in the back mullet.

4. And no matter what you do, when you do bring those bare legs out of hiding after a long winter of hibernation, you should get them ready,  just as you do your clothes. Do you just take your springwear out of the garbage bags into which they were stuffed in October and put it on right then and there, wrinkled, musty, etc.? No. You wash and iron and mend anything that needs fixing and then you wear it. Do the same with your legs. Seriously.

That wasn't so hard. In fact, it was probably easier than pulling off those sticky boots every night, amirite?

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